Yep. You read that right.
And it wasn’t one little tear I could quickly wipe away for no one to see.
No, there were multiple tears that turned into audible sobs. The kind that leave your eyes bright red and puffy.
It was last week Monday, and we were in our Spiritual Empowerment class. Yet I was feeling everything but empowered.
It was a beautiful day, but all I wanted to do was to crawl into a hole.
Or maybe punch something.
I was still recovering from a flu bug I had the weekend before, so my body was weak. Along with that, my mind was running on high speed with thoughts of everything I had not gotten done that I planned on doing over the weekend.
Writing notes to people, reading, practicing painting, going to a friend’s birthday party. Catching up CGA things, and activities that I am involved in outside of CGA.
They were all good things.
Then, as we were heading to our meeting point, I was invited to be part of yet another great opportunity. As much as my mind was spinning before, it was spinning even faster, trying to figure out how I could coordinate everything so it would fit perfectly.
I was not focused at all, but I was trying my best to pray through it. Trying to enjoy the sunshine and being outdoors.
We finished praying over the space and went to McDonald’s because one of my teammates felt that was where we supposed to go. On our way there, she said to me “I think you’re going to get a word!”
Yeah, I don’t think so! I can’t think straight, there is no way I am going to get a word or image, or even a feeling of anything!
The only feeling I had was like I was going to throw up because I was trying to drink from the fire hydrant of good things. I ran to the bathroom to try to catch my breath.
All of the water I was trying to consume from this fire hydrant was swirling around inside me, ready to come out.
And then it did. Not out of my mouth, but out of my eyes.
I sat down with my team and they asked how I was doing. I told them about all the things I was trying to be a part of, to make the most of my experience here. The tears immediately came faster than I could push them away, nose running so much I had to use a napkin on the table to blow my nose.
They asked if there was anything else. And what came up was all the expectations I had set for myself that I have not met.
Which of course only made it worse.
I was a hot mess, right in the middle of the McDonald’s.
My amazing team prayed for me and gave me words of encouragement.
My mind began to swirl just a little less.
Then they asked what I do to rest, and when was the last time I had done those things.
As I thought about it, I realized it had been quite a while since I had done anything that makes me feel rested. So I went home and took a walk along the road, and then down to the lake. I sat there for some time. And that was when my mind began to slow way down, letting focus return to what was really important. Rest is what I needed.
You were not meant to drink from a fire hydrant. They are meant to put out fires in an emergency. Your life is not a state of emergency. If it is, something must be reassessed. You were meant to drink from a garden hose, which has a gentle flow and helps to bring things to life!
